When a Marriage Ends in Divorce
There are good ways to handle divorce that will help each partner to move on and build a better future.
By Colleen K Pulley
When a marriage ends in divorce, it usually means your entire life is interrupted. A Mother, who may have been working a couple of days a week, finds herself working full-time in a job that may have provided enough money for the extras, but falls short of meeting all of a family’s financial needs.
Many people feel that suddenly they are being overwhelmed by life. This isn’t just a woman’s problem, but men are experiencing this as well. This is because men are more involved with the daily activities of their children and are equally involved in parenting. Dads are more willing to go after custody of their children, and some are taking on the full-time parenting role.
A person who gets divorced is hit with some cold, hard facts. First, if they don’t have the ability to meet their individual needs, their family is going to suffer with them. When this happens, a person begins to feel overwhelmed. At this point you need some kind of support system to help you get through this.
The truth of the matter is that women usually have more resources they can tap into when going through divorce. Social Services are more willing to give assistance to women than men. Training programs and babysitting help are only a few areas that will be more available to women. Obviously, this happens because most of the time, the woman gets custody of the kids, and the burden of a family is on her plate. However, let’s recognize that divorce is an ugly experience, and no matter who it is, both individuals can certainly use some help.
Besides feeling overwhelmed, and financially inadequate, a person can feel isolated. They can think they are alone, and no one can help them. This can cause them to become depressed, and as this happens, they feel more worthless. The most important thing they can do for themselves is to sit down with others and begin talking about their situation. This will help an individual assess their situation, and gain insights into solving their problems with the support of others. It is a fact that women do this more readily than men. They are willing to reach out, and in turn listen and follow the counsel others give them. The reality is that men also need to open up during this time, because like it or not, they need help much like their female counterpart.
Something I have found interesting in my conversations with couples who are having marital problems is this. Usually, for whatever reason, if the couple have not had open communication during happier times in their partnership, the separation can often dissolve into bitter arguments.
Each person tries to get as much as they can out of the situation, without thinking about what is fair and equal. They forget that while they were accumulating as a couple, the goods belong to both of them. It is amazing when I hear an irate person yell that their ex-partner does not deserve a dime of any money they have saved. This behavior is not going to help either individual re-enter into a separate life without some serious fall out.
When you get married, most of the friends you had when you were single gradually drift away from you, and you establish new friends who are also starting out in their marriages. They are saving money for a home, planning to have children, and like you, trying to establish themselves in their career. When you divorce, you find that people you have developed friendships with become uncomfortable around you. You represent the possibility that their marriage may not be as solid as they thought. Until you move on and establish new relationships, you may feel like you have been betrayed. You need to realize that this is not a personal rejection of you as an individual. In time some of those friends will become part of your new life.
Let me give you some sound advice. If you ever want to find happiness, you need to get rid of any anger you have towards your Ex-Mate. This is especially true if you have children together. Because of them you will always have to deal with this person. I have seen many marriages fail because of a previous marriage. Children will use your divorce and at times your ex-mate will manipulate them simply to make your life miserable.
One of the best things you can do to decrease your anger is to develop a plan for dealing with your ex-mate. If you are participating in a divorce group, bring up your feelings, and incorporate their suggestions into your plan. Remember, the person sitting next to you may have an idea that may help you get through this time.
Another thing, if you remarry, make sure your new mate is your partner in dealing with any problems of your previous marriage. Nothing dissolves a second marriage faster than lack of communication in the new partnership.
It always sounds trite when I hear someone tell a person going through divorce that things will get better with time, but the truth is this usually doesn’t happen. The kicker is that you really need to go beyond where you are. I had a conversation with a woman who was talking about her ex-husband. I guessed she was in the early stages of the divorce process. I was shocked when I asked her how long it had been since her divorce, and she told me it had been fourteen years. She had remarried and had a twelve-year-old son by this second husband! She had never let go of the anger and bitterness from the first marriage. She had let the rancor and rot fester within her. Imagine having that rotten wound with you for fourteen years! You must let it go. The wound needs to be opened and drained, and then you are truly free to move on, and find happiness the second time around.
I know if you work at it, you can find happiness after divorce. Just some words of advice folks. Until next time... Colleen
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